Malin (ran_malin) wrote,
Malin
ran_malin

Hopeless

Title: Hopeless
Pairing: qmi, one-sided-ish
Rating: PG


----

When Zhou Mi cannot sleep, he's learned that Kyuhyun is very understanding about it and lets Zhou Mi share his bed. Kyuhyun doesn't even mind anymore when Zhou Mi wraps his arms around him from behind and pulls him close beneath the covers. Kyuhyun could sleep through the apocalypse, and tonight, he quickly demonstrates this after wiggling around and getting settled. Zhou Mi lays there for a few minutes, enveloped by the warmth of Kyuhyun's body against his and surrounded by the sounds of his even breathing, but tonight, Zhou Mi's head is buzzing with thoughts that won't leave him to rest.

He's been stuck in his own head, thinking about love and other dumb things.

He still remembers when they met. He'll never forget Kyuhyun feeding him even though neither understood a word the other spoke. Kyuhyun, the boy with beautiful eyes and bad skin. God, he was so cute. Kyuhyun, who Zhou Mi would also come to find out is sweet and smart and caring and loyal, who talks with him and laughs with him and understands him and stands by him against his critics, who holds him when he cries, who makes his heart flutter when he smiles and melt into a glittering puddle when he sings. Of course Zhou Mi would fall in love. He wasn't careful enough, wasn't realistic, and he had a seemingly unending supply of hopes and dreams. Time has since done a number on that, but he can't quite shake off this unreasonable love.

Zhou Mi had known early on that his interests lay with men. His first crush was with his best friend when he was 13, and he never forgot the way the boy looked at him like he was sprouting a third arm rather than confessing his love. Then the boy's face twisted up in disgust and Zhou Mi quickly lied and told him he made it up on a dare. They were never as close after that, and eventually drifted apart. Zhou Mi quietly nursed his broken heart and learned not to talk about those feelings. Afterward, he threw himself desperately into relationships with girls. A man couldn't just love another man. It was wrong, he was wrong, and if he couldn't fix whatever it was that was wrong with him, he would be alone. He used to be so afraid of being alone.

As he grew older, he grew into himself a bit more, became more confident. He finally began to accept that his attraction to men wasn't going away, and realized that he was okay with it. He'd always had a way with conversation, but he blossomed into a beautiful social butterfly with a growing network of friends. He found people, both straight and queer, who supported him. He dated guys, even daring to fall in love once. And was subsequently devastated when he was tossed aside for a woman, with a simple "it was fun" or something like that, Zhou Mi can't even remember anymore. He does remember the sadness and anger he felt not just toward that man, but toward himself for being so naive. He already knew what it meant to be gay in his society, and he knew to what lengths people would go to avoid the consequences of being outed. It's just how things are, and you either go with it or risk losing everything.

He also started entering and winning singing competitions, and after turning down numerous offers, became a trainee for SM Entertainment (SM Entertainment wants me?) and met Super Junior and the boy he would eventually fall dopily, head-over-heels, "Seasoning, you're hopeless" in love with. The same boy who is straight, Christian, and a good filial son. Who fully intends on marrying a nice Christian girl. Zhou Mi is not a Christian, despite Siwon's best efforts, and is certainly not a woman. And even if Kyuhyun did like men, that would mean nothing if he didn't want Zhou Mi.

Heechul can poke fun all he wants, but he's right, Zhou Mi is hopeless. He knows Kyuhyun will go on and keep dating beautiful women, and will fall in love and eventually marry one of them. She'll be an amazing woman, knowing Kyuhyun. They'll have a lovely and tasteful wedding that Zhou Mi will probably attend. There's a good chance he will shed tears, and Kyuhyun will likely tease him because of course Zhou Mi would be a wedding cryer. Kyuhyun will have children more adorable than anyone's children have any right to be and they will know that they are so very loved and Kyuhyun will be a wonderful father and husband.

And Zhou Mi will put on his best face for him, because Kyuhyun is still his best friend, and he loves him so much and wants him to be happy. "If you love them, let them go" and all that. Whoever said that neglected to mention how painful the "letting go" part is.

Who knows, maybe at that point Zhou Mi will be able to go home to a man who will understand, who will hold him while his emotions get the better of him. Maybe some shining knight on a white horse will come to Seoul or Beijing and sweep him off his feet and they'll ride into the sunset. Actually, scratch that. Zhou Mi gets nervous on horses. Maybe he'll own a Ferrari instead. And he'll be willing to cook for someone other than himself. And he'll have a washboard stomach and toned biceps instead of a tummy and grandma arms and he won't sweat ridiculously or be emotionally dependent on his laptop and he'll understand the virtues of shopping and he will love Zhou Mi and Zhou Mi will love him and they'll live in a cute stylish apartment that allows pets and they'll be happy and-

At this point, Zhou Mi realizes he's on his back and has been unconsciously rolling around, as Kyuhyun, who would normally be dead to the world at this point, breaks him from his reverie with a soft but audible whisper.

"Mi, I can feel you fidgeting."

"Sorry," Zhou Mi whispers in response, "go back to sleep, Kuixian."

Kyuhyun rolls over to face him, sleep still heavy in his voice.

"Mi is something the matter? You usually sleep like the dead unless you're thinking too much," Zhou Mi heaves an internal sigh, of course Kyuhyun is perceptive.

"It's nothing, I'm fine. I just had a bad dream," Zhou Mi tries to sound reassuring.

"You sure?" Kyuhyun sounds incredulous.

"Yes. I'm fine."

A moment passes and then,

"Hey, I thought I gave you good dreams. You're ruining my record," Kyuhyun sleepily pouts.

"I had a nightmare that I ate your cooking and died, so it's your own fault for poisoning me in my dreams," Zhou Mi retorts, mock-serious.

"Hey! I'm a good cook and you know it."

"Shh, I'm sure you are Kuixian. Now go to sleep," Zhou Mi teases.

"Yeah, whatever," Kyuhyun mutters, and proceeds to snuggle into to Zhou Mi's chest, looping an arm around him. Zhou Mi freezes for a good moment, then relaxes against him and hugs him close. "Good night."

"Goodnight," Zhou Mi sighs, kicking himself a little for the hopeful joy that flares up in his heart.

Heechul's right, Zhou Mi is hopeless.

Tags: kyumi, qmi
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